This weekend I went to services at Shema on Saturday and gave Rabbi Loren my paperwork to become a member. On Sunday we gathered and built a Sukkah in the grassy area next to the synagogue. we decorated it with willow and palm branches, gourds, fruit, and flowers and ribbons. It was great. I was there early and so was Rabbi Glenn's wife so I asked her if she needed help and we set up the oneg (food/buffet), bringing tables down from the upstairs of the synagogue to the shaded carport area. We set up the food and everything and she asked me if I would like to be part of the Oneg committee and help set up for onegs whenever we have them. Since i'm almost always at least a half hour early for services, I said yes, I would help. She was very happy and I figured why not. I'm going to be a full member of the community soon so I should help out where I can, right? My reasoning anyway.

One of the really nice women i've met (I can't remember her name I think it's Joyce) asked me how I became a Believer. I am always caught off guard when asked that because the circumstances surrounding the event are so very personal.. but I explained it was a long story and said that basically I had done something so terrible in my past that I tried and tried to make up for it in every way imaginable and was in total hell for 18 years.. and that in Wicca you pay for what you do threefold.. and that I finally realized I couldn't pay threefold for what i had done and survive it. that my only option left to atone for my sin was to die myself. to kill myself. but i didn't want to die so out of desperation for my life I turned to Jesus who offered forgiveness of sins and redemption. I became a Believer because my life literally depended on it. I am not comfortable yet explaining about my past or my schizophrenia to people there (other than Rabbi Loren and Rabbi Glenn)... but when i get to know people better perhaps i will, but perhaps i never will either. i will let God guide me on the issue, and right now I feel it's unnecessary. Besides, Sukkot is a happy holiday and I didn't want to cry or be upset during the festivities.

The sukkah stays up for one week. On wednesday me, Stanley, and Illoma are going to get to Bible study and Hebrew class early and eat our dinner in the Sukkah (as is traditional). They have become quite good friends to me. I brought alot of stuff to decorate the sukkah with. it pleased me to see most of it used. it really looks great. i'll try to get a picture so you all can see it. It was really fun to be a part of raising and decorating the shelter among the congregation. It reminded me of some of the sabbat festivities from when i was wiccan. But this felt... better somehow. more right. in my heart. I am more at peace now... at this moment... than i have been my whole entire life. It's not that everything is perfect. it's not. i have problems and stresses and worries... but at the same time, i have inner peace... and faith that all will work out.. like i never have before. I wish all my loved ones could feel this way.