I think i did something stupid. i've been having a really hard couple of weeks. i'm easily confused, i'm having a hard time telling what's real and what's not... and even worse.. in a psychotic evening i wrote a really long email to rabbi Loren. Asking him how i can cope spiritually with this.. and telling him some of what i go through. It was disjointed and frankly made me sound like a complete ass. a total nut case. I wrote it wednesday night and it's friday night now and he still hasn't responded. that means any one of three things. 1)He thinks I'm total nuts and he's trying to find a way to tell me not to come back... 2)He thinks i'm a total nutcase and he's still trying to figure out what to say to me or 3)he's going to wait until he sees me on saturday and 'talk' to me... and either tell me i'm total nuts or that i shouldn't come back. I think i've ruined the best thing that's ever happened to me. i suck. maybe the voices are right. i AM stupid, i AM fat, and maybe everyone really WOULD be better off if i just kill myself.