Hmm. I wrote this April of MMIV (on the 11th.) I guess I was a Sophomore then? I was getting ready to enter the height of my depression. Which sounds like I'm writing some sort of memoir. Of course I always kicked the idea around of turning my journal (this was a journal entry) into some sort of novel thingie. All the other books about going crazy are pretty bad and uninteresting, but I guess I find that it's hard to write about being insane objectively when you are still insane, and then later it's hard to write about it because you're no longer insane and you lack the passion that makes up the depression. So I guess a better idea, just in general, is to collect all the things you wrote, drew, all the conversations you had, and then bind them. Which is probably what I'm going to do. Dunno if I'll publish anything but it'll be good to keep around. For future generations if there are anything. Maybe they'll be able to pick apart my life and glean something from it.

~

I always find so interesting that clicking on the ellipse will bring you to the "full" mode. Somehow I always want to go back. It's a mistake. I never feel nearly as full as the URL would like me to believe.

My eyes are burning.

What do I feel? Do I want to go there? Do I want to go beyond the "not good" I'd give anyone who asked? I don't. I know that probing will sicken me. I know it will knot me up and maybe. . .(sighs) I just wish for death. But dying now would be quite anticlimatic, which is why I should probably die now. But no, knowing myself I'll stay around until it is the grand finale, when the music swells just so. . .that's when I'm gonna jump. No jumping. I don't think that's the right way. But it would be nice to go over a cliff into a midnight blue sea (at the witching hour, no less) during a tempest. It would be beautiful. Beautiful. . . in the way I never could be. That makes sense of course. It doesn't matter about the beginning or the middle, it's the end that matters most. If I can't be beautiful during, at least my end can be beautiful. Of course no one would see the beautiful but me. I'd die with a smile on my face. (laughs) Of course 3 seconds before I hit the waves I'll realise what I could've done to make my life better. Probably "stop whining".Ehh whining's good for me. In this mode no one has to listen to me. In this mode one can just think,"Ok this girl is really depressing and all she does is bitch and whine ambiguously so I have no fucking idea as to what's going on. Fuck this, I'm reading someone else," and that's fine. Actually it's what I can imagine most people doing and hell I probably wouldn't put it past myself.

It's so interesting the way livejournal is more of a way to communicate than to actually. . .journal. It is not so much about how you feel but about what you'll allow people to see you feel. It's like the phone or IM or email but here you can pretend that you write for yourself, not to elicit a reaction (aka "comments"). And when you do write for yourself, you often find that you have to edit some things out, which totally defeats the purpose of the journal in the first place, doesn't it? It is: "this is what I did today, and this was great, and this sucked, etc. etc." and between lines "what do you think/what did you do/etc" as opposed to "this is what I did and this is what I felt because of it etc. etc." and there is no point where one asks for or expects a response. There is no point where one is communicating with anyone other than themselves. And what's interesting is that there wasn't always a difference. It didn't used to be networking and communicating as opposed to recording ones thoughts. And I just find that interesting. I think I always will. People are complex creatures so naturally few journals are either completely one thing or the other. It's a mesh. And even a writer who writes for herself will occasionally break the 4th(or is it the 3rd) wall and ask (no matter what way) for input.

So what does that make me? Pensive? Thoughtful? What are the differences between those two words? I never built up a connotative difference. Not one that would cause me to use one against the other. Pensive sounds more like deep anxious thinking. I need a dictionary. Pensive is a deep melancholy thoughtfulness. And thoughtful is neutral. I see. There's a denotative difference.

You know I always wanted something to be striking about me. Something one who paid attention could look at and say,"That girl is something different." Usually it's the eyes. Witch Baby and her jacaranda eyes, Tweetie and her. . .I don't know how to explain them-eyes, Bibi and her Bette Davis eyes and sometimes it's not in the eyes. Sometimes it's in the mouth. The way the lips move. Oftentimes. But just something you can look at and say,"Wow she's somethin different," even if you grow to loathe that person. Just something that sets one different from the rest. I always wanted that. It's like that Random I wrote. I couldn't be beautiful inside so I wanted to be beautiful on the outside (which didn't work either). And I guess that's why I want a beautiful ending.

And I wonder if I'm nothing more than a story. Something that someone is writing or written. Something that someone is reading. I wonder if I---Bess once said that no matter who you are or what you do, telling your story no matter how you do it (writing, dancing, making music) someone out there is going to love it and someone out there is going to love you for it. So I wonder, if I am a story am I being loved by someone? And if I am by who? And I wonder if there has been anything I have said that has stayed in somebody's mind, no matter how fleeting our association. Like "somebody appreciates you and everything you do" and "homie-g flying squirrel and some cheese." Because I know I remember. Because I know that along with the countless phrases I'll pick up, I'll remember everyone I have ever met, no matter how fleeting the meeting. I know no one will be forgotten. . . even during my grand finale, my beautiful ending.



Does this make me pensive?